What My Puppy Taught Me About Inner Critical Voices
"Writing a book? Who, you? But you are incapable of that. No one will ever read it!" yelled at me in an inner critical voice last Friday when I posted on LinkedIn that I am writing a book on meditation.
For years I have been beaten down by inner voices far harsher than this. I tried everything to get rid of them:
- Ignoring the criticism. It didn't work- the thoughts grew louder and more insistent.
- Fighting with them produced even worse results.
- Agreeing that I am as worthless as they were claiming and sliding into self-loathing.
- Hiding from them and redirecting that rage at someone or something else. Not a viable way to live.
Years of exploring, meditating, and studying with savvy people changed my inner landscape and gave me strategies to soothe inner criticism to the point where I rarely have it.
A recent insight came from my Australian Cattle Dog, our first family pet, who is smart, loyal, and protective.
Lately, she started barking, and I was researching what to do about it.
I learned that barking can be used to alert the owner of danger. The best response is to calmly reassure the dog that you, as an alpha leader, are monitoring the situation and will keep everyone safe.
I came to believe that the same applies to my inner critical voices. It is probably a part of me that is scared and is trying to dissuade me from doing something she perceives as dangerous. The words she uses are something she picked up in childhood without even realizing it. "You are incapable" sounds awfully familiar to what one of my elementary school teachers used to tell me. I believe she was weary of loud children and managed her inability to control the classroom by bullying.
So, my inner critical voices are being mean when they want to control the situation in which they feel vulnerable and out of their comfort zone,
My solution is a loving dialogue that grows trust:
---
Critical Voice: You are incapable of writing a book!
Me: Hi dear. I hear you. Tell me more about how you feel.
- This will never work out!
- It seems to me that you are distressed. I am sorry. How can I help?
- I am scared! What if people don't like us?
- Well, we have enough friends and family who like us no matter what. Plus, we can always make a good living with medical writing.
---
The point here is not to react to the exact words, which are very judgemental, but to recognize the emotion behind them - fear. And fear is best soothed through calm, caring, and confident self-leadership.
Plus I remember that my great grandfather who lived in Soviet Union was shot to death in 1930's because he made a mild sarcastic joke about communism. No surprise that a part of me is terrified of making my thoughts public. I don't need to ignore, fight, or agree with her. Instead, I can let her know that we live in 2024 in the US, and writing books is a fairly harmless deal. And that I will be on my own side no matter what.